So, yeah, this is a strange one for me!
I wish not to ramble about my films, or current projects, but instead to maybe talk more publicly about something that I haven’t really done before. Scary.
So today’s blog post, Little Boy A:
The creeping feeling of dread, the pain in your chest, the pins and needles through your body, the shaking, the sickness, the near on fainting, however out of all these feelings the out come your expecting never comes…
Since I was a little boy I’ve suffered (on and off) with serious bouts of Anxiety, Anxiety that sometimes make’s me want to hide behind my door, not go out, not speak to anyone, to be alone!
A joke of an illness is Anxiety, that’s what I felt for many years, that’d I’d be a laughing stock, that just because I could walk and talk, people would never truly recognise me as having something wrong- And if you’ve never suffered Anxiety, I’d never expect you to understand the pain, or the worrying about your next attack of ‘the dread’, or even ever expect you to understand the need to analyse every single part of your day before doing it, in the sharp fear that something may happen.
Some months go by and I hop out of bed, spring in my step, smile on my face, the world’s a darling place that I’ll never be bored of, other times the sky turns to black, and the claustrophobic feeling of being six feet under riddles my body until I’m to tired to do anything.
After years of this carry on of periods of happiness, then periods of Anxiety, I’ve started to realise slowly but surely that I’m not alone, that the stresses, woes, and challenges of life present them self to many a person! It make’s me sad to think of all the millions of people worldwide that suffer with this terrible illness, yes, yes I said illness. A disease can stop your life, make daily routines difficult, stop you doing what you love- and do you know what, so does this. Anxiety controls you, until you learn to control the beast, to tame it, to teach it, to let it know who’s boss! Anyone out their that sits worried (as so many do) that there not normal, or there a freak…your not! You don’t suffer alone, millions suffer, and they suffer in a pool of worry alike yours, that they’ll become a joke for this problem. Anxiety is so real though, words cannot describe that sickness you feel, the twiddling of thumbs, the gasp for breath, the worry that you’ll become hated, and isolated from the world, that your dying…It’s real it’s to real.
I seem to become a magnet for this now, I seem to be drawn to kindred spirits! And maybe, just maybe, if you read this, and you sit isolated, silenced by your worries for fear of how you’ll be judged, maybe take a look around at the people you’ve attracted in your own life. In my experience it seems we are drawn to each other, drawn to each others souls, and maybe if you can build up that strength to trust a loved one, a friend, you may find someone who knows of your faint feelings at work, that knows of the sudden on set of worry while shopping, that knows how it feels to be sure your dying- try it, just give it ago, I promise you’ll have been drawn to a mate who know’s your worry!
I have no shame for my issue now, I have been sleepless for weeks in the past, I have cried, I have paced the floors in the early hours of the morning, I’ve been unable to breath while driving home from work, unable to rest, unable to feel well, I’ve had the tablets, I’ve come off the tablets, I’ve tried new tablets, I’ve gone cold turkey, I’ve gone without them, I’ve had my little routines for avoiding anxiety, I’ve been there, done it, had it, not had it, had it again, not had it, had it again, and got the fucking t shirt!
You’ll feel powerful for months, you’ll feel weak for months, you’ll walk up with a smile, you’ll wake up with a terrified sweat, but do your best to make Anxiety your bitch, it’s your body, so take it back! This won’t always work, for sometimes we can’t fight the beast that Anxiety is, sometimes we have to be weak, but next time you drive home and the lights on other cars seem to bright, and your head starts spinning in a traffic jam, so Anxiety…your my bitch, this is my body, my soul, and I’ll have that back, thank you very much!
Don’t assume your family, your friends, your co-workers are all strongerp than you. I’m known for being a hot headed, over opinionated, smart arse- that doesn’t mean that now and again I don’t feel strong enough to be myself. I love being the star in front of the camera, doing my thing, showing what I’m made, feeling amazing, beautiful, and on top of the world- Other time’s I’m far to ugly, far to untalented, far to shit to feel I can be, or achieve anything! …This feeling will pass though, and then I can be me again.
When your anxious you don’t loose yourself you know?
Anxiety is you, that’s apart of you, apart of your make up. It’s what makes you a good judge of character, what makes you safe during the day as you plan so religiously your routine, what makes you so emotionally strong, what makes you wise!
You can be arrogant, you can be fabulous, you can be a showman, a star, the life and soul of the party, that is who you are, but you can also be fragile and delicate! Don’t think for a minute that those feelings of claustrophobia, of paranoia, of self doubt make you any of those things, there a tempary state, you will feel better again soon!
It’s good to doubt yourself sometimes, it make’s you better in the long run!
The first bad period of Anxiety I remember was being Eleven or Twelve and convincing myself I was dying, Mum would sit up with me at night, and I remember the feelings being strong then, I didn’t understand like I do now, I was so scared, so afraid, worrying that Mum would hug me, and that I wouldn’t wake in the morning…I did though, I’m still here! Time went by, many hours of worrying, over thinking, mind racing, pulse going crazy, chest so tight flew by; and as time went by I clenched my eyes tight at night, I said to myself, I will sleep tonight, GO AWAY! And before long I started drifting off again, all by myself.
The Anxiety went, it laid dormant, dead as dead could be!
Being Sixteen years old came around, I’d forgotten about this Anxiety bullshit, It wasn’t part of my life…Oh yes it was, it was the deranged Zombie waiting to stick it’s hand through the soil and rise up once more to the surface. Back came the dread, back came my make believe symptoms of death and destruction, back came the worry about loved one’s, the worry of going out, the worrying about walking down the street, the worrying about my body, the worrying about WORRYING!
It was back with vengeance, spoiling my first proper relationship, spoiling my relationships with family and friends, making me lay awake all night and sleep all day- A life of sleep by day and wake by night. The constant black tired eye circles, the excessive coca cola drinking (avoid), the chain smoking, the bad moods etc etc etc. The walls use to come in you know, they use to cave, fall towards me, ruin me!
It happened, Anxiety had done it again… Fuck you said my anger, this can’t be anxiety, it has to be something else, there MUST BE SOMETHING WRONG WITH ME.
Months later it went again…
Then it came back again….
Thank you for my Citalopram, yum yum, six months of Anxiety freedom.
I feel better again now… I don’t need these tablets, goodbye I said. Life was good, so, so good. Another period swings round, another dark day, another panting breath, racing pulse, dry mouth, headache, better give a Proponal ago I suppose! They didn’t agree with me…
Tablets are good for short term use, but I didn’t ever want to become dependant, so I did it in my own way.
My rambling above is, is a ramble for you to Identify with, like I did a few years back, I read pages and pages of Anxiety stories, and my eyes filled up with tears as I did… I wasn’t alone. Your not alone either, so I’m proud of being ‘mental’, I’m proud of my sometimes ‘incapacity’ to be, behave, act, or do what you want me to do. I’m not special, I don’t need sympathy, I don’t need a reward for being so ‘brave’, I’d just like you to promise me one thing.
When you look at a person, don’t assume! Don’t assume that, that big mouth, or confidence is that person through and through, we’ve all got issues, so just remember so may your pier. Walk down your local street, watch the faces go by, the happy one’s, the sad one’s, the angry one’s, the laughing one’s, the crying one’s, remember, every one of these faces is a face, an expression, nothing more! That person has a mind, and a soul, and regardless of the expression on their face, you don’t know how that mind or soul is feeling today, so always read into as much as you can with people.
Why did I write this today?
I haven’t got a fucking clue, all I know is, I’ve been feeling good for a while now, I’ve been making great films, meeting great people, having the time of my life, what have I got to worry about?
A little over a week ago I got up, I didn’t feel to great, and my emotions went up and down, up and down.
Today, I felt like my world was ending, it wasn’t, but I wrote this to make myself feel better, and tomorrow, I’ll probably be fine, and if I’m not, I’ll hope for the next day, and if not…Well, for now I just gotta ride it out!
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